Confused about China’s manipulated currency in the global economic mindfuck that is the state of the world’s finances at this moment in space-time? Then you need the help of these animated bears who’ll set you straight and turn that world of confusion into a tunnel of enlightenment. It isn’t just kids who learn things from cartoons you know.

Those over dramatic TV shows may get all the cred when it comes to showing footage of animals attacking, but no one does it better than the movies. Because they can CGI up any sort of animal they want and then they can set it upon their unsuspecting human. Animals, they’re not our friends, they want to kill us!

Seen Rise of the Apes yet? It’s pretty good. You’ve not seen an epic ape onslaught unless you’ve seen a chimpanzee leading the charge of a large group of angry apes bearing down on the local constabulary on Golden Gate Bridge. And just to prove that it could all happen, should we find a cure for Alzheimer’s that accelerates apes’ evolution, then chimps playing Playstation will be remembered as the start of it all.

If you’re one of those people at school who was never in the cool club and instead had to exist on the fringes of popularity, feeding off the likeability of other people like a human leech, then maybe you should’ve stolen the popular people’s pets, dressed them up like those popular people, and locked them in your shed. Seems like it worked for this woman. Be afraid.

Holy f#cking giant bitey insects Batman! We showed a video of this insect a while back from deep within in the Amazonian jungles of South America and prayed it would stay put! Then it turned up in India and now some chick has had an encounter with one in the USA and the damn thing has bitten her, before she had a chance to stomp it’s arachnoid ass – WTF!? Lock your doors, barricade the windows and forget the zombie invasion, for there is a new kid on the block and it wants your blood!

It’s time to turn the WTF dial up to 11 and contact Mulder and Scully, because this sh#t just got REAL! After recent reports of a huge scary insect found living deep inside the Amazon rain forest it looks like another one has turned up in India. It clearly shows that Hoola (named after Scientist Dr Javier Hoolavez who first discovered it) has not only spread outside the Amazon but it’s reached another continent! Time to barricade the doors and board up your windows, because this thing bites and spreads a weird virus! Be afraid!

There has been a LOT of media attention lately about cruelty to cats, Cat Woman and her pussy-trashing incident caused an uproar in the pet-loving community. So it comes as a welcome relief in this day & age of inhumane treatment towards our little furry friends that a hero steps into the fray with an obvious love & respect towards the containment & protection of our feline friends – But alas, as with all good endevours, his attempts to help others is severly rebuked – Mike, you will always be someone i will look up to – LMAO!

We can all learn a great deal from fairy tales. I think the lesson is, if it’s been made into a Disney cartoon, then you can transfer the skills from that into real life. Like Beauty and the Beast for example. Don’t be afraid of bestiality, because if your human friends reject you as a freak and degenerate, at least the talking cutlery and tea pot will be your friend.

I don’t want to panic anyone but, we’re doomed! When animals start using technology – like in this video – we know we’re in trouble. I’ll admit the redneck hunting down these technophile creatures is probably still marvelling at his opposable thumbs, but still. I wouldn’t want to go hunting anything that knows how to communicate using wireless technology. I think he might need a bigger gun. Or GPS. Or some friends with Bluetooth.

We’re in Jerry Springer-style talk show territory here. So hang onto your mullet and prepare to barf as this fat excuse for a human being describes to us how – on that fateful summer, possibly at band camp – a dog licked her vajayjay as she bent over while she was naked and about to go skinny dipping. What a vision. WTF?

Next week, “I fucked a T-Rex in the ass and now I’ve got cat AIDS”.