I was always wondering if they were going to do a sequel. After all once that ship sunk, then, erm, well yeah. Shit, how are they going to do a sequel. Oh, I see it’s 100 years later. Riiiight. Well let’s hope that while it’s out at sea it hits a flying mega sharktopus and that’s what sinks it. Now that, I would like to see – Please God, tell me this isn’t real? ……”I’ll never let go Jack!”, yeah, right, she never liked you anyway Leo, there was space on that wardrobe for 2!

It’s the film web developers have been creaming over their motherboards about. It’s the shocking story of one young man’s love affair with code, and his struggle to take on the giant of the computing world. Emotion, drama, Java. This is going to be the hit of the summer. Javagasm.

I knew those cutesy candy-colored bears had a dark side. I’d definitely go watch this if it ever got made. I’m thinking Martin Scorsese or Abel Ferrara to direct. I want to see bloodletting, decapitation, mutilation, psychologically damaged Care Bears snorting coke, injecting drugs into their eyeballs and going on some kind of cathartic journey of redemption.

Thank the tentacle-armed ninja god of death that Jackie aka the High-kick of Reason has spoken out against what can only be described as a crime against humanity: Little kids doing karate in movies. Jackie pits violence against a semblance of violence and kicks the crap out of those little bastards. Go Jackie!

The original Karate Kid is back, thank the gods! And there’s no fly-catching Miyagi in sight. Instead Ralph is trying to resurrect his dead career by trying to stop being Mr Nice Guy and head down that well trodden Hollywood path of depravity and self-destruction. Has he got what it takes to go the distance and become “No more Mr. Nice Guy!? This is just awesome. And it even has Molly Ringwald (she used to be every teens fap-tastic female!). So much WIN!

I know a superstar, a real-life, living breathing legend, and here is his latest BMX film offering which premiered last Friday ( i was there….ME!!!). Marvellous Marv and his merry bunch of mates take to the streets and show the world what it means to be a badass on a BMX. But be careful out there kids, it can be dangerous. Play safe. Fair play.

Is this the future of horror? Demented surgeons transforming wayward travelers into human insects? Let’s hope so, because it’s all so delightfully ridiculous as this mad scientist transforms these luckless humans into…the human centipede! Via their gastric systems. Now that really is ‘BAD TASTE!’ Muha. Muhaha. Muhahahahahahahaha!

To quote Maude Lebowski: Lord, you can imagine where it goes from here. Finally, the two greatest things in the world, porn and The Big Lebowski are brought together for the greater good of mankind. The only thing left to do is divide by zero and watch the fireworks of the apocalypse.

Harry Botter and the Purple Headed Wand. The were so many signs – his glasses, the fact he hasn’t jumped Hermione yet, his “friendship” with that bowlheaded ranga – it was only a matter of time before Harry’s real sexuality was revealed. That’s all Hogwarts is, one giant man-love fest. That’s what turns Harry from a boy in to a man.

This is the film we’ve all been waiting a very long time for, featuring possibly the best trailer voice in the history of trailers! And if that isn’t good enough, there’s robot geishas with spikes that come out of their mouths! YES!