Imagine being a world record holder for the longest time spent talking about oneself!? That is definitely something to put on the CV. Nay! It’s something to put on a billboard as tall as the sky that towers over earth for the citizens of the world to stare at each morning a they rise from their slumber. Linda Johnston has chatted her way into the Guinness Book of Records by talking about herself for over 4 days straight. Strange that, a woman talking about herself!?

Finally the voice of reason in the courts of America. If this young girl stabbed a classmate then she deserves to be tried as a huge black guy, who probably freebases crack whores into his skull. Because THAT is justice in America today. The children, think of the children, then try them as African Americans.

What could those strange peace pipes & other weird paraphernalia mean? It must be Shamanism, the only belief system worse than communism. If smoke constantly wafts from your child’s bedroom, smoke that has a funny smell, & they look all glassy eyed and mumble a lot, then they’re probably traversing the astral planes while killing spirit people with their esoteric dancing. Force feed them the American flag while playing Hendrix’s Star Spangled Banner at ear-splitting volume, that should sort them out. It’s for the good of the country.

The title’s a mouthful (don’t excuse the pun, celebrate it), but they make a good point. If women want to expose their breasts in public, mothers or not, then we should embrace this and champion it, men are allowed, right? Do you know why men have nipples? It regulates body temperature. It’s true.

Now that it’s aware of its own mortality will it succumb to existential angst? Develop religion, a drug habit? Build a rocket to the moon? Or will it just sullenly drag its feet, get a bangs haircut and start listening to Fall Out Boy? What have they done to this poor creature!t

You have to admire the courage of NASA astronauts, ‘To boldly go where no nerd has gone before!’ The team of scientists says the $19 million dollar mission will put them in direct contact with a woman by 2018. It’s a dangerous venture that could easily end in FAIL!

Clean-up crews are hard at work after a VH1 bus carrying reality show contestants overturned, spilling 2,000 pounds of highly concentrated slut – It’s a tough job, but somebodies gotta do it!

Sony are fuckers, and always have been. The second you buy their over-priced shit they start treating you like a cunt and laughing in your face when you point out to them that the thing you bought isn’t working and refusing to fix it. My guess is they treated someone on The Onion editorial staff like that. Ha.