“Macho-macho man, i want to be a macho-salad man!”, ok, so maybe that needs a bit of work but we are talking about f#cking salad here! You have to remember, REAL men don’t eat salads, they only eat meat, meat dripping with blood, the veins still pulsing and the limbs twitching – the rarer the better! – and if they die of scurvy, while laughing heartily and fornicating with multiple partners, then so be it!. If real men DID eat salads though this is how they would prepare them. Awesome-sauce!!!

It’s that time boyz & gurlz, the STACHE is back and he’s in fine form, with an awesome follow-up tio the internet smash “Mario Kart Love Song”. In fact he’s sounding a little bit like Kurt Cobain (wtf) and playing a mean ‘Garage Band’ guitar rhythm – This is a silly mario-inspired parody of Katy Perry’s “California Gurls” and it’s even got a cute wannabe keyboard cat in the background – What more could you possibly want people?

It’s a bloody Way-yells version of that Alicia Key track, innit. This is awesome, forget the bustling glamour of New York, it’s all about a Friday night in Newport, starting the evening with a line of meow meow, then necking twenty Special Brews, before taking on half the town while out of your fucking ‘ead. Then settle down with a curry kebab, and some southern fried sausages, and your missis.

Remember that scene in the movie Deliverance? Nah, not that one with the Dueling Banjos, but the other one, in the woods with the rednecks, and that fat guy who looks like a pig. Yeah, exactly, harrowing wasn’t it. Well, now the tables have been turned as a redneck gets a taste of what it feels like to be Andy Dufresne? Sharing a cell with a hairy man-ape whose sexual tastes are unknown is a situation you should try and avoid. Where’s Morgan Freeman when you need him…”Squeal like a piggy boy!!!”

I don’t want to panic anyone but, we’re doomed! When animals start using technology – like in this video – we know we’re in trouble. I’ll admit the redneck hunting down these technophile creatures is probably still marvelling at his opposable thumbs, but still. I wouldn’t want to go hunting anything that knows how to communicate using wireless technology. I think he might need a bigger gun. Or GPS. Or some friends with Bluetooth.

Let’s face it, the pr0n industry is getting shafted. Gone are the days when you sent off a large cheque for a sketchy VHS tape wrapped in brown paper, to be deposited anonymously in your mailbox 3 months later. Even in today’s DVD industry there seems little point in paying for pr0n when, in two mouse-clicks, you can get anything from Google videos for free! So, it begs the question, what would you pay to watch?

Midgets…Nope, been there, done that! – Farm animals…Uh-uh, such poor acting skillz! Midget farm animals dressed as internet memes? H’mmmm, maybe. Purely in the name of research you understand. Celebrities…? OH HELL YESSS!!!!

So there you have it, and if you give it some thought I’m sure you could come up with a very juicy top 10 list of cute celebs that would make you open your wallet and part with mom and dad’s hard-earned cash. In fact you’ve probably thought up that list already. But that can come later, for now here’s my ALL TIME top 10 list (in no particular order) of celebs I’d like to see getting tag-teamed by well-hung stallions, or gang-banged by desperate actors hungry for fame and money.

For these gals I’d gladly pay top dollar to watch them do the nasty on my 72″ plasma anytime! Providing, of course, they don’t leak a sex tape in the meantime.

Lindsay Lohan

Well you would, wouldn’t you? I’m surprised this wild child hasn’t got something hidden in the closet already that she did when she was wasted. We can only live in hope. Anyway, who could resist shouting the cry of ‘Fire in the hole!’ when she got down to business?

Rachel Weisz

OK, so this is a personal fave of mine, but don’t knock the idea of a posh Brit chick with a seriously cute English accent bumping uglies while her face contorts in pleasure. Just imagine the scene, a nice cup of tea and superb ‘cucumber’ sandwich…and of course I would demand she scream for her ‘Mummy’ not once, but twice!

Beyonce

For some strange reason I have a strong urge to see her perform one of her songs while someone else is performing on her.

Jennifer Aniston

There’s definitely something about our Jen, something innocent, sweet and lovely that makes you feel the world is a good place. So I would insist that some hardcore bondage and 2 girls 1 cup scenarios be incorporated in her offering.

Hayden Panettiere

I don’t care about the plot, it just has to start with her wearing a cheerleader outfit and then seeing if she really is indestructible.

Megan Fox

Storyline: Megan is driving in some remote spot, car breaks down, she opens the hood and gets her hands all over what lies inside in an effort to bring it back to life. Then it transforms into a giant phallus and demands a lube-job!

Emma Watson

She’s cute…BUT…I’d like to see her punished for every Harry Potter film ever made. Preferably with a purple wand. Or a broomstick…

Jessica Alba

There’s a look about her that makes me think if she never made it in Hollywood she would have probably been a star in this industry. Well Jess, let me just say there’s still time. Do it for your fans.

Britney Spears

Let’s face it, we’ve seen her in everything else, so why not this? My only stipulation would be that her voice be dubbed into…well, anything other than her voice. She’s already a pro at lip-syncing, and a pro a lot else as well no doubt.

Julie Christie

Time to go old-skool. Thank god I did film studies in college otherwise I would never have watched Dr Zhivago and seen this vision appear on the screen. I’m guessing this would be a digitally remastered re-release of some classic 70s pr0n-funk! Or perhaps if we could just get the extended outtakes from that scene with Donald Sutherland in Don’t Look Now?

OK, so that’s my list, hope you enjoyed it. I’d be interested to know who you’d like to see in your fantasy celeb skin-flick.

Good old Lajoie, with the music industry overrun with 6-pack sporting, vain, pubic-chinned, talentless douche-muppets, it’s good to get some perspective on it all before we all lose our minds and start listening to Bob Dylan’s Desolation Row on repeat until we march on Washington and demand change, and the right to decent music coming from our radios and TVs. Oh the times they aren’t a changin’.

How to approach this tricky question, you can’t just come out with it while having a swanky meal uptown. Maybe you could send her some roses and champagne with a little note. You certainly don’t want to write it on a billboard or scratch it in sand. You could get down on one knee and ask, or ask your local radio station to pop the question. Or just play her this.

I’d strongly suggest you watch this video closely – again and again, and then one moar time just to be sure – It might just save someone’s life……YOURS! The next time you see a damsel in distress you can spring into action and save the day, just make sure she is partially clothed and slightly out of breath first, then try this out – She will love you forever – HONEST!

Those fine thesps of the porn world turn their dramatic skills to the plays of the Bard. Perhaps some of them crept the boards in their youth? But, sadly, tragically, they will never play the dane! (”Is that a pork sword i see before me?”) They should turn their marvellous talents to the theatre of ancient Greece next.