Often when it comes to memorable moments in movies it’s the sad ones that stick out the most, the ones where ET says goodbye, the montage at the beginning of Up, or the end of the Iron Giant. YouTube channel Burger Fiction collate some of the most tearjerking in this melancholy supercut.

By the end of it there won’t be a dry eye in the house.

Forget about all other movie reviewers, there’s only one critic you need in your life and that’s The Onion’s Peter “F*cking” Rosenthal. He’s a man who’s unafraid to ask the important questions and punctuate those questions with unnecessary swearing when it comes to movie-making.

In this video he tackles the latest Hollywood CGI reboot fest Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. And while most critics lament the onslaught of reboots and remakes and sequels, Rosenthal thrives on them. They’re his lifeblood.

“Prequels, sequels, remakes, keep ‘em coming c*cksuckers.” he challenges. He then goes on to pretty much nail the idea-desert that is the current state of Hollywood, while also making you laugh until your morning coffee spills out your nose.

What with lethal injections not being all that lethal, the state of Ohio has now got to consider other ways to kill off the alleged criminals who are on death row. Some of these include bringing back execution by firing squad or the electric chair, but satirical lol-masters The Onion have come up with their own solution.

Instead of guns or electricity doing the dirty work, The Onion propose an update of the guillotine, with a powerful machine that can rip an inmates head right off his body using a robotic claw in a painless yet entirely gory way.

You’re probably not aware because it’s a very low key affair, but a little ceremony known as the Academy Awards was held over the weekend—it’s kind of insignificant but Hollywood likes to make a big deal of it and Hollywood rules the earth so you should maybe feign interest just in case. And there’s no better person to feign interest with than The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal, who here picks his Oscar favorites using his unique Rosenthal scoring system, which is very similar to the Acadamy’s. Don’t believe us, then check it against this year’s winners!

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal knows what’s important in a movie like The Hunger Games: Catching Fire — and that’s just how hot the boy members of its cast are. Compared to the Twilight saga these guys aren’t anywhere near them on the totally hot scale, sure some of them are cute, Rosenthal makes the case for, but hot? No.

Some expert reviewing/trolling from The Onion here, poking fun at the media and how it might react to the release of Steve McQueen’s new film. While it’s megalolz, it’s also quite terrifying to think that the way Onion movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews the film will probably not be far off how some film critics actually review it, but with no indication of irony whatsoever.

It’s a tragic end and a decision that no parent wants to make, but sometimes you have to go with your inner-feelings and make the right call and do what’s best for those you love. Here the parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to terminate her life, because all she can do is sit around doing nothing saying stuff’s “gay.” It’s a sad, sad world we live in, but sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

Imagine being a world record holder for the longest time spent talking about oneself!? That is definitely something to put on the CV. Nay! It’s something to put on a billboard as tall as the sky that towers over earth for the citizens of the world to stare at each morning a they rise from their slumber. Linda Johnston has chatted her way into the Guinness Book of Records by talking about herself for over 4 days straight. Strange that, a woman talking about herself!?

Finally the voice of reason in the courts of America. If this young girl stabbed a classmate then she deserves to be tried as a huge black guy, who probably freebases crack whores into his skull. Because THAT is justice in America today. The children, think of the children, then try them as African Americans.