The tagline for this film goes: “A short film about a boy, a girl and their thoughts.” And that seems to involve little floating perverted balls of mind, goading their masters on to ravish the other one. Basically highlighting how awkward things can be between the sexes when all they’re really trying to do is f*ck each other’s brains out.
A self-aware beer commercial, they just don’t make them like this any more. Ugly men, in slow-motion, spilling beer, drinking beer, staring wistfully at beer, at the TV, with an emotionally fraught operatic number playing over the top — and a choir. Someone needs to do the same for car commercials. They are far too wanksome.
I just don’t get it. Do you? Yes, it’s that cliched line that’s reared its retarded head in movies throughout the ages, the line that you’ve probably never heard uttered by a real human in real life who wasn’t just quoting a film or trying to act like they were in a cheeseball action movie. Hollywood! You just don’t get it, do you? Let the line go.
Who even knew they had contests like this? But they do, and these people are supreme wizards when it comes to jumping around and flinging themselves about on a piece of slackline, their balancing skills the exact opposite of you after a night out quaffing the moonshine. Finally, a sport where everyone wears skinny jeans!
If you’re one of those people at school who was never in the cool club and instead had to exist on the fringes of popularity, feeding off the likeability of other people like a human leech, then maybe you should’ve stolen the popular people’s pets, dressed them up like those popular people, and locked them in your shed. Seems like it worked for this woman. Be afraid.
They locked him away. They ruined his legacy. And now, after 20 years he’s about to get his revenge! If only this was the real reason behind those filmic turds that were the prequels then all would be forgiven. And it wouldn’t just be forgiven, but this would change Lucas into the most badass man alive. This is the best idea for a movie ever.
When it comes to letting someone know that they better not do what they were going to do or they are going to receive some pain or a variation there of, no one does it better than the movies. People threatening to cut off your johnson, threatening to force feed you something unpleasant, threatening you to say “what” again, threatening to hit you so hard, threatening to take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner… it’s all here.
We do apologise for this break in normal service by inflicting upon you the hideous gump-faced crooning buffoon that is Bruno Mars and his turgid shit-fried pop. But there is a reason and that is the music video to this track is pretty fucking great, featuring as it does a beer-swilling, dressing-gown’d, nunchuck’d slobbing Leonard Nimoy watching his old buddy William Shatner on TV. Normal service will resume in T minus 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…
3…2…1… And we’re back. Here’s how to offend everyone in America, well, apart from calling them all a bunch of superstitious, lard-bloodied inbreds who think they birthed the universe out of their constitution. But apart from that, you could always address every state stereotype there is and put it in a two minute YouTube video.
Yoda, the wise Jedi munchkin with big ears comes over all Danny from Withnail and I. Under that veil of Jedi mastery lurks a threatening drug-addled hippy bent on getting young Luke crazed out of his mind on rare herbs and prescribed chemicals. Because when he spikes you, you will know you’ve been spiked. Feel the Force people.
You’ll watch this and be utterly captivated, mainly by a dark-haired, impeccably-styled beauty getting frisky with a pizza, but also by the somewhat mysterious and intriguing narrative. If only this sort of thing happened when you order a Domino’s after drinking your body weight in distilled spirits the night before. Feeling hungry now?
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